What It’s Really Like to Have Borderline Personality Disorder: My Journey to Self-Understanding

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is hard to capture in a few words. For me, it’s been a journey with plenty of ups and downs, shaped by personal challenges and a lot of self-discovery. Along the way, I’ve learned more about myself, picked up tools to manage my emotions, and found ways to navigate life with a bit more stability. Here’s a look at what it’s been like for me.

The Beginnings: Where the Journey Started

Looking back, I can trace my first signs of BPD to the age of 10 or 11. My grandmother passed away, and although I was so young, the trauma of her loss left an indelible mark on me. I have this vivid memory of standing on my parents’ porch, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread that I would lose everyone I loved. From that day forward, a part of me felt fractured. I felt my sense of self and my direction in life start to blur.

I became “the happy kid,” the one who always talked to everyone and tried to fit in. While it’s true that I’m still a talkative person—my whole family is!—I wasn’t always honest with myself or others. I feared that if I shared my true feelings or opinions, I’d lose the people I cared about. This fear became deeply rooted in my personality, affecting my self-assessment, my confidence, and my ability to develop my own perspective. To avoid the risk of rejection, I’d often just agree with people or mimic those who seemed more self-assured.

Living with Obsessions: The Impact on My Relationships

A recurring theme in my life has been my intense relationships with others, though they’re rarely romantic. Every so often, I would become almost obsessively focused on one person in my life. These obsessions didn’t come from a romantic place, nor were they malicious. Instead, I felt an overwhelming need to make this person feel valued. But it always came at a cost.

To clarify, obsession in BPD isn’t the same as thinking a lot about something new or exciting, like a new partner or job. These thoughts became my entire focus, consuming my mental and emotional energy to the point that my own well-being came second to this fixation. Every second of the day was spent thinking of ways to please or be closer to this person, adjusting my life to accommodate theirs, and showering them with attention. But then, as suddenly as the fixation began, it would vanish. I’d lose all interest, almost as if a switch had flipped, and I’d abruptly end the friendship.

This cycle of intense friendships, followed by sudden detachment, led me to avoid romantic relationships altogether. The thought of being that emotionally tied to someone terrified me, and I feared that any loss would shatter me completely.

Hitting a Low Point: My Turning Point

When I was 24, I attended a friend’s wedding in Italy. The beauty of the event, surrounded by happy couples, somehow triggered a deep emptiness within me. Returning home, I found myself feeling numb, detached, and disconnected. I wasn’t feeling much of anything at all. I remember an especially dark moment: walking down the street, I stepped towards an oncoming car, almost out of reflex. At the last second, I pulled back, but the jolt of adrenaline reminded me of my humanity—and my vulnerability.

In that moment, I realized I couldn’t keep going like this. I reached out to my university’s mental health service, and while six sessions of talking therapy couldn’t address everything, it was a small step toward understanding myself.

Seeking Professional Help and the Journey Toward Diagnosis

After experiencing other difficult moments and setbacks, I eventually connected with my community mental health service. Despite having a referral from my GP and other healthcare professionals, it took three months before I could see a psychiatrist. And then, after just a few sessions, the diagnosis came through: Borderline Personality Disorder.

I can’t tell you how relieved I was. Seeing those words on my report felt like a revelation. I finally had a framework to understand myself, to look at my past through a lens of clarity instead of confusion.

Therapy and Medication: Finding a Path to Stability

I was prescribed medication to help regulate my emotions, which made a noticeable difference. The ups and downs of my mood became less intense. While I had to wait 1-2 years for individual therapy, I started group therapy right away. That year in group therapy was transformative. I learned tools for self-awareness, managing panic attacks, and recognizing my triggers. These insights allowed me to step back and make healthier decisions rather than getting swept up by intense emotions.

Moving Forward: BPD as a Part, Not the Whole

Am I cured? I’m not sure that’s even the right word for it. BPD is just one part of my life, a “quirk” that once dominated my world but now has a much smaller role. I’ve put in years of work—hard, humbling work—to understand myself and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Today, I am in a stable, happy relationship of two years. I don’t feel ashamed of my past or the impulsive urges that still surface every so often. I look at my journey as one of resilience and growth, not something to hide.

Borderline Personality Disorder is complex, and for each person, it takes on a different shape. For me, learning to live with it has meant finding ways to feel whole, grounded, and in control. I share this story hoping that it might help others recognize that they aren’t alone, that with the right support and self-compassion, it is possible to live a fulfilling life—even with BPD as a companion.

Note: This blog post reflects the author’s personal views and experiences and is not intended to represent Bossa Health’s views, provide diagnoses, or offer diagnostic tools.